DMV

No music, no air, no TV, no food, no drink, no cell phone…even prison has these simple amenities. Yes, we have now entered the Department of Motor Vehicles, or in this case the ‘Driver Licence License & Theft’. I don’t even know how to read this; is it ‘Drivers Licence Licence & Theft’; or ‘Driver License. License & Theft’? Neither makes sense! Do get your license and then someone steals while you’re here so you have to get it again?? I’m so confused! I’ve added this to my list of places that should serve alcohol before entering.

Since my license expires soon, I was forced to go there in person and get a REAL ID, because apparently my last one was fake? Funny story…because you know I can’t tell just one story at a time…anyway, I went to the DMV last year to get a duplicate license after losing it one drunken night in Boston with Karen (I do think those ‘Karen memes’ are based on my friend). I showed up at the DMV with my passport and all the documentation needed to get a new license/REAL ID since I was already there. They wouldn’t take my passport and instead wanted a birth certificate, as if me being there in person doesn’t show that I was in fact, born. And why they wanted a birth certificate from 50 years ago with no photo and an old last name vs a valid passport, with recent photo and correct last name, that is accepted around the world and was issued from another government agency, was beyond me. So I ended up just getting the same old ‘fake’ license, which looks even faker because it’s a duplicate! And they told me that even if I came back with a birth certificate, that I could not renew a REAL ID online; and this my friends is why America despises the DMV.

I dragged Stu with me this time, passport in hand (which they do take!) as well as 50 other pieces of documentation to prove our identities. We were greeted by a wonderful woman full of Southern Hospitality who, If it wasn’t for the ‘no drink’ rule, would have probably offered us a sweet tea while we waited. Expecting to be spending the entire day, we were pleasantly surprised at the 40-minute wait and overall painless experience!

The gentleman processing my information was super nice. I asked him how he liked working there as it seems like a busy, stressful place to work especially with the new ID in place. His response ‘Nine months. Nine months until I retire’. We both had a good laugh.

Meanwhile, at Stuart’s window, they were overhearing the conversation at the next window down. A 105-year-old woman, who drives a stick no less, was refusing to turn in her license as she insists she is perfectly fine behind the wheel despite her age. Apparently, they keep trying to get her off the road to no avail.

Although this visit wasn’t too bad by DMV standards, I’m hoping by the time my license expires I can renew it online.

I have taken the liberty of rebranding the DMV to better clarify what it represents. Here are the top names in the running:

Defeated Miserable Victims

Death by Mandatory Visit

Dumpster of Malicious Verbal assault (this really applied more to MA than NC)

Division of Motherf’ing Vengeance (again, more MA)

Diminishing Mental health Visit

Delayed Mundane Venture

Depressing Musty Venue

Dewers Margaritas Vodka (which is what they should serve)

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